falling out of my mind

this dictionary tells me i’m being burned
consumed by hellflame ambition, acid baths
of hunger and insecurity
for things i’ve probably gotten without realizing it–
but all i truly want

is to be done with your ghost,
to scour away the afterimages of loving and longing
left in shadowgraphs across my flesh

all i want is not to know your name again at night
or find myself doubled over in desperation
because i cannot cry you out of myself
(i really thought i had i really tried i swear to fucking god)
and every moment i spend convinced that you’re dead
paves a path to reminiscence i’m too stupid to resist–

mired in masochism, i cannot deny the sweetness
of your lips in my memory, the tenderness of your touch
or how you pierced my ears with my own name and hung
your love on the lobes so it jingled when i tossed my head
and sang to me of you

i cannot push away your phantom caress; i can’t say no
to your sex in the silence of that september.

i want you gone from my love,
but letting go is blasphemous
and i am too orthodox a follower of faith
in love and loss to deviate tonight.

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