almost love never quite

she thinks, maybe it isn’t chef school
i might be cut out for teaching.
today he fucked her three times

and when he fucks her he asks questions like a child,
things like what’s that and
why is this so warm and what does that feel like?

how can her face flush so pink and what
makes her look to the side like she fears my eyes &
why does it always look like she is about to have an orgasm
ages before it happens & am i hurting her & how the fuck am i supposed to know?
this is why i don’t have sex with girls

talk to me, he demands,
like it’s early morning
with coffee and newspapers and stale breath,
you’re not saying anything.

(he’s needy.) & she struggles for words
around an orgasm and the clumsiness of his self-conscious fingers
while he forces her face to his level.

i know it is wrong that i tend to do this
out of curiosity & i curse the fascination of my hands
with the absurd heat inside her & the fur of her mons
that i hate so much and still touch because it shouldn’t be so soft,
what makes her body so damned velvety? i can’t figure it out
so i keep going.

she is trying not to know he will not touch her again
for months & that he will never let her fuck him in return
but when he looks at her like a six-year-old discovering a girl’s vagina
doesn’t match his penis and why? why? why? well she feels like a pedophile
the guilt stabs her side until she remembers he is only two years younger,
he just acts like a small child.

i love her, truly i do but
it just isn’t like she loves me and i can’t change that
i won’t change that just to dissuage the guilt
or peel the layer of pain out of her gaze
(it looks so pretty there, anyway) i can’t lie to her or me
i feel so guilty when it turns me on to touch her
and when i fucked her the third time,
she had the audacity to look at me in love
as though everything was okay.

it is not okay

but god she loves him & maybe
she will never get to put her fingers inside him like this
& maybe she will grow to hate him for the months she knows will occur
before he touches her again, yes,
she’ll take it, because it’s what he is and she knows
he’s gay and he doesn’t want her,
but he loves her and it comforts her still.

when she comes he makes her swallow her own wetness
and he pets her cunt murmuring this is so soft, why?
& she is panting too much to answer

but i bet if she could she’d tell me she loves me
another time.

she would


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