thursday night in the car

in the backseat that night
his fingers slipped easily beneath my waistband
(further confirming: i need to buy tighter pants)

he clawed his way into my hipbone & thigh &
i chewed my finger
i covered my face, i twisted about
in silence; he slid those fingers (i love them so)
back down into where i wanted him &
i stilled like a startled river;
i looked up into his blank beautiful face & he watched me like always
(oh god, look away from this my undoing)
he rubbed roughly back, hotly forth and dug his nails into me
(always he is marking me for his own like everyone doesn’t know,
can’t they see my need so naked in the daylight fluorescent at night)

& all his touches and torture hurt so gorgeously
but i made no sound or sign (shh, she might hear and discover my weakness,
so oblivious in the driver’s seat)
i could not keep together
& when i came it was one of those shaking rushes
that hurt too much for pleasure & too much not to love.

after he withdrew that hand
i lay on his lap, tired & blinking owlishly
& i loved him all over (again).

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